Funny....

WE kinda look like Pirates....Right?

Every now and then, some visionary individuals come along with a
concept that is so original and so revolutionary that your immediate reaction
is: "Those individuals should be on medication."

Today I want to tell you about two such people, John Baur and Mark
Summers, who have come up with a concept that is going to make you kick
yourself for not thinking of it first: Talk Like a Pirate Day. As the
name suggests, this is a day on which everybody would talk like a
pirate. Is that a great idea, or what? There are so many practical
benefits that I can't even begin to list them all.

Baur and Summers came up with this idea a few years ago. They were
playing racquetball, and, as so often happens, they began talking like
pirates. And then it struck them: Why not have a day when EVERYBODY
talks like a pirate? They decided that the logical day would be Nov.
11, because that -- as you are no doubt aware -- is Summers' ex-wife's
birthday.

Since then, Baur and Summers have made a near-superhuman effort to
promote Talk Like a Pirate Day. As Baur puts it: "We've talked like
pirates and encouraged our several friends to, every Nov. 11, except
for a couple where we forgot."

And yet, incredibly, despite this well-orchestrated campaign, the
nation has turned a deaf shoulder to Talk Like a Pirate Day. In desperation,
Baur and Summers turned to me for help. As an influential newspaper
columnist, I have the power to "make or break" a national day. You may
recall that almost nobody celebrated Thanksgiving until I began writing
about it in the 1970s.

I have given Baur's and Summers' idea serious thought, looking for ways
to improve it. One variation I considered was Talk Like a Member of the
Lollipop Guild Day, on which everybody would talk like the three
Munchkins in the film version of "The Wizard of Oz" who welcome Dorothy to Munchkin Land by singing with one corner of their mouths drooping
down, as though they have large invisible dental suction devices
hanging from their lips. But I realized that would be stupid.

So I have decided to throw my full support behind Talk Like a Pirate
Day, to be observed this Thursday, Nov. 11. To help promote this
important cause, I have decided to seek the endorsement of famous
celebrities, and I am pleased to report that, as of today, Tom Cruise,
Julia Roberts, Britney Spears, Brad Pitt, Oprah Winfrey, the Osbournes,
Tiger Woods, Ted Koppel, the Sopranos, Puff Doody and the late Elvis
Presley are all people who I hope will read this column and become big
supporters. I see no need to recruit President Bush, because he already
talks like a pirate, as we can see from this transcript of a White House
press conference:

REPORTER: Could you please explain either your foreign or your domestic
policy?

PRESIDENT BUSH: Arrrrr.

To prepare for Talk Like a Pirate Day, you should practice
incorporating pirate terminology into your everyday speech. For example, let's
consider a typical conversation between two coworkers in a business
office:

BOB: Hi. Mary.
MARY: Hi, Bob. Have you had a chance to look at the Fennerman contract?
BOB: Yes, and I have some suggestions.
MARY: OK, I'll review them.

Now let's see how this same conversation would sound on Talk Like a
Pirate Day:

BOB: Avast, me beauty.
MARY: Avast, Bob. Is that a yardarm in your doubloons, or are you just
glad to see me?
BOB: You are giving me the desire to haul some keel.
MARY: Arrrrr.

As you can see, talking like a pirate will infuse your everyday
conversations with romance and danger. So join the movement! On Sept.
19, do not answer the phone with "hello." Answer the phone with "Ahoy,
me hearty!" If the caller objects that he is not a hearty, inform him
that he is a scurvy dog (or, if the caller is female, a scurvy female
dog) who will be walking the plank off the poop deck and winding up in
Davy Jones' locker, sleeping with the fishes. No, wait, that would be
Talk Like a Pirate in "The Godfather" Day, which is another variation I
considered ("I'm gonna make him an offer that will shiver his
timbers").

But the point is, this is a great idea, and you, me bucko, should be
part of it. Join us on Nov. 11. You HAVE the buckles, darn it: Don't be
afraid to swash them! Let's make this into a grassroots movement that
sweeps the nation, like campaign-finance reform or Krispy Kreme
doughnuts. I truly think this idea could bring us, as a nation, closer
together.

But not TOO much closer. Some of us will have swords.